I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize