grandma shit on top of the toilet
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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