Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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