can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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