Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
