just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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