I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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