There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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