3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
