i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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