i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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