this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is it penis luge time yet?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
