this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
