Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize