Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Well I just put wine in my tea
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
