Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
