She said her name was "party"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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