everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
