I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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