True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
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