we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
