whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
