Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
