I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Four minutes until I can fart!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
