they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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