apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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