we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
