I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
