Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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