um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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