He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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