We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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