maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
