he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
