i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
