When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
