im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
