I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I want to be your penis for a week.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
