new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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