I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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