In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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