Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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