She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
