I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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