Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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