I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
