Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
