When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
