She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
