on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
