this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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