Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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