That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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