I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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