My entire life is one complicated drinking game
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
