I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
