The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
