I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
