mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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