We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
