you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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