I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize