My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Are we still banned from the library?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
