so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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